Wednesday, February 22, 2017

The Eldrazi vs Lions

Truely terrifying...but how many lions can they kill?

I get a lot of questions here:

What do you think of X?

How do you beat Animar?

Why is Solemn so shitty?

But the most important question I've gotten is

Who would win in a fight between the Eldrazi and One Million lions.
(What the fuck am I even saying)

I know what you're thinking; "What a great question! Who would win!"

Now it's important to note that we need to measure both the strength of every Eldrazi and then Lions.

There are currently 138 Eldrazi tokens.

Which means that every Eldrazi on average needs to take out 7.246 Thousand Lions

Holy shit. How can an Eldrazi kill 7,246 Lions by themselves? I'm not sure they can so let's just see how much fire power the Eldrazi have and how many Lions they can kill themselves before succumbing to roars and bites.

Now taking a look at every Eldrazi and just stapling them together into one super big fucking Eldrazi gives us this.

Emrakul has nothing on HSEC

So if we staple all the Eldrazi into one terrifying abomination we have 

Holy shit, the Eldrazi Clusterfuck

First Strike, Lifelink, Trample, Haste, Menace, Vigilance, Indestructible, Flying

When Holy Shit, the Eldrazi Clusterfuck does it's thing:
Destroy 3 lions (Thanks Ulamog)
Sac a creature (4 dead Lions and we haven't even attacked yet)
Take an Extra turn
Gain control of Lions next turn

Annihilator 26
Whenever Lions are Sacrificed gain control of that Lion
Create 41 Eldrazi tokens

The real reason Scar kills Mufasa

So right away we have a creature that could bitch Slap Marit Liege and BFG into pauper. On top of that we gain control of two Lions and 41 extra Eldrazi tokens. That's a total of 44 bodies.

Not to mention that whenever Holy Shit, the Eldrazi Clusterfuck (HSEC) attacks they gain control of 26 lions thanks to it's gene's from It that Betrays.

 On top of that thanks to some bitch named Emrakul we have two combats before the Lions get their own. And thanks to some other bitch named Emrakul HSEC has control of the Lions before they get to attack for really the first time.
Now you may wonder why HSEC attacks first.
Well if Pokemon has taught me anything it's that stronger things attack first. And if you still want to argue that just be aware you're debating if Eldrazi or Lions can win a fight, chill out a bit ;)

Now let's see just how tough Lions are.
Very relevant for all your lion slaughter needs
There are almost as many Lions are there are Eldrazi in magic. A solid ten Lions to gather our information. If we average out their own power and toughness we have 2.4/2.6 on the Lions.

Now we could round this to 2/3 but that would change to much and we want to be as accurate as possible on our borderline insane question that literally no one should care about.

So FINALLY we need to see how many lions HSEC could kill before the Lions will get a chance to do anything.

 So we're looking at HSEC, 41 4/2 power Eldrazi scions (Broodwarden pumps up our jerks and other small pumps) and we have our own 2.4/2.6 Lion betrayer.

So now let's get to the good part.
HSEC, Lion, and 41  4/2's attack.

Now we obviously want as much carnage on our hands so let's assume lions are dumb animals and will block in the worst way possible to ensure that we can cause more mass extinction.

582 divided by 2.6 gives us 223 rotting corpses
The Annihilator adds another 26 lions dying right off the bat and joining the happy team and
41 x 4 + 2.4 power gives us 166.4 power, divide that by 2.6 again to get 64 more dead lions...

So after our good friend HSEC attacks this is our tally, don't forget we have another turn thanks to Emrakul(s)

4 dead lions off the bat
223 dead off attack
26 off Annihilator
64 off tokens

That brings us to 317 lions and we haven't even started.

Now we have our good friend HSEC + 27 lions + 41 tokens.
When we attack we also gained 582 tokens off Rapacious One. They're normally 0/1 but thanks to our anthems they're solid 4/2's

That makes 623 tokens plus 27 lions and good old HSEC and most importantly 317 lion coats.

Not only relevant in Xenagos but
relevant in stupid internet questions

Now the best part about murder is doing it again so let's see what happens on attack two.

HSEC gives us another 223 kills plus 26 off Annihilator. (We have 53 lions now)
The 27 Lions we have times 2.4 gives us and divided by 2.6 adds another 24 bodies

And with 623 tokens attacking times 4 power divided by average lion toughness gives us another 958 piles of death.

317 dead lions in the beginning 
223 of HSEC
26 Annihilator
24 Traitor lions kills
958 off the tokens 

1548 lions so far and now the Eldrazi also gained another 582 tokens

So finally the Lions can avenge themselves with their own attack...but they're being mind controlled for this first attack and they're coming into:

53 Lion friends
1540 Eldrazi tokens

We add up the total power of these and get 6869
Divide that by 2.6 and you get another 2641 lions that had dead happen to them.
No actual lions were harmed in the making
of this experiment

That brings our total up to 4189 lions 
Now the lions are free to attack again and take out the Eldrazi but in their own attack it's likely that the same amount will die off in the attack. Add another 2641 and our FINAL dead lion total is


Not quite the million we were looking for but a solid .7 percent. That's a bit more than I was expecting honestly. 

Well that's the end of that guys, thanks for giving it a read
Do you agree or disagree?
And more importantly why? This is dumb and all in good fun. Come on and lighten up a little.

If you want something more serious then take the time to vote on the best and worst lands in commander here:

If you enjoyed this article please visit my Patreon. Every little bit helps a ton and allows me to make more content for you guys in the future.

And as always, thanks for your time.


  1. Funny but it's 0.7% ;)

  2. You have to much time, right?
    Not sure, if I understand the whole point of this.

    Have fun!

  3. I am a very new Commander player, I really liked your PW rankings, but this is the best Magic content I have read in a while, i love it! so much goof, so much craziness! I would really love to see this become a series, a few years from now you have the best creature type :)